The Emotional Support Cherries should never have been allowed near corporate employees.
Unfortunately, nobody realized this until:
- three emotional breakthroughs
- one small unauthorized bonfire
- and a regional manager crying beside a canoe
By then it was too late legally.
The entire disaster began when the GlitterTech Solutions Human Resources department decided morale was:
“critically low.”
Which honestly was corporate language for:
“everyone is one minor inconvenience away from quitting dramatically in a parking lot.”
The office staff had reportedly experienced:
- seventeen Zoom restructures
- two “mandatory fun initiatives”
- and something called:
Productivity Spirit Week
which emotionally damaged several employees permanently.
So naturally, HR searched:
“affordable wellness retreat near me”
And somehow hired:
The Emotional Support Cherries
A catastrophic decision.
The Cherries arrived at Pine Lake Retreat Center carrying:
- glitter markers
- iced coffees
- six tote bags full of feelings
- and absolutely no certifications whatsoever
The HR manager greeted them nervously.
“So just to confirm,” she asked carefully,
“you have done corporate retreats before?”
The Cherries exchanged a long look.
One Cherry answered:
“Corporations have certainly existed near us before.”
Not technically a lie.
The retreat attendees arrived shortly afterward.
Approximately forty office workers stepped off the company shuttle wearing:
- business casual fleece
- emotionally vacant expressions
- and the posture of people who answered emails while eating lunch daily
The Cherries gasped softly.
“Oh no,” one whispered.
“These people are spiritually dehydrated.”
Correct honestly.
The retreat agenda initially appeared normal.
Examples included:
- trust exercises
- mindfulness walks
- stress reduction activities
- and “reconnecting with joy”
Unfortunately, the Cherries interpreted:
reconnecting with joy
far too aggressively.
The first activity was:
Emotional Name Tags
Instead of writing job titles, employees were instructed to write:
- their emotional state
- their current coping mechanism
- and “one thing your nervous system deserves compensation for”
The results included:
BRIAN
emotionally buffering
coping mechanism: soup
LINDA
one inconvenience away from moving into the woods
KEVIN
surviving exclusively through caffeine and denial
The Cherries considered this:
“beautiful honesty.”
The employees considered it:
“the first authentic interaction we’ve had at work in years.”
Which honestly felt medically concerning.
Things escalated during:
The Trust Walk
A harmless exercise where coworkers guided each other blindfolded through the woods.
At least that was the original plan.
The Cherries accidentally turned it into:
“a symbolic journey through burnout.”
Suddenly everyone was:
- discussing boundaries
- apologizing for unanswered texts
- and realizing maybe productivity culture had emotionally colonized their personalities
One middle manager whispered:
“I don’t think I’ve had a hobby since 2016.”
Three employees cried immediately.
The Possum, who had been hired unofficially as:
Emotional Support Logistics Coordinator
mostly handed out:
- granola bars
- tissues
- and increasingly alarmed facial expressions
“This feels legally dangerous,” the Possum whispered.
Correct.
Then came:
The Sharing Circle
A deeply terrible idea.
The Cherries placed everyone around a campfire with tea lights and instructed:
“Say one thing you’re tired of pretending doesn’t hurt.”
Now.
Reasonable people would understand this prompt was emotionally radioactive.
The Cherries were not reasonable people.
At first the group hesitated.
Then one accountant quietly admitted:
“I answer emails during family dinners.”
Silence.
Another whispered:
“I genuinely don’t remember what relaxing feels like.”
The regional manager suddenly burst into tears beside a cooler of Capri Suns.
Things deteriorated rapidly after that.
Within twenty minutes:
- two employees were discussing burnout
- someone admitted they hated corporate motivational podcasts
- and Linda from accounting stood dramatically beside the fire whispering:
“I think my eye twitch is psychological.”
The Cherries nodded solemnly.
“Oh definitely.”
Then someone asked:
“What if we all just… stopped caring about quarterly synergy?”
The entire retreat became spiritually unstable.
The Burnt-Out Frog arrived midway through the evening carrying emergency brownies and the expression of someone expecting disaster.
“What happened?”
The Possum pointed silently toward:
- crying employees
- affirmation lanterns
- and one vice president hugging a tree while whispering:
“I used to paint.”
The Frog blinked slowly.
“…good lord.”
Then came:
The Healing Bonfire
Which absolutely was NOT approved by the retreat center.
One Cherry simply announced:
“Write down one thing exhausting your soul.”
Employees scribbled furiously.
Examples included:
- “Slack notifications”
- “pretending to care about KPI optimization”
- “corporate webinars”
- “my boss saying ‘circle back’”
- and
“Susan replying-all to everything”
The papers were thrown dramatically into the bonfire.
This part actually was emotionally healing.
Unfortunately…
someone added:
- scented oils
- sparklers
- and what may have been decorative eucalyptus
The fire became:
- enormous
- suspiciously spiritual
- and visible from the highway
The retreat center manager arrived screaming:
“WHY IS THE ACCOUNTING DEPARTMENT CHANTING?”
Nobody answered because honestly?
the chanting was kind of helping.
The Emotional Support Cherries later described the event as:
“transformational.”
The fire department described it differently.
By midnight:
- one employee quit emotionally
- six people exchanged soup recipes
- and the regional manager booked pottery classes immediately
The next morning, despite:
- several complaints
- one minor legal waiver issue
- and an aggressively worded email from corporate
the retreat feedback forms returned overwhelmingly positive.
Comments included:
“I felt like a human being for the first time in months.”
“The bonfire may have violated local ordinances but spiritually it fixed me.”
“I no longer wish to throw my laptop into the ocean.”
“Please tell the cherries I started painting again.”
The HR department quietly hired the Cherries again the following year.
Which honestly?
Felt irresponsible.
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